...write a message to your future girlfriend?

[based on actual events experienced at Borders on 347 in Lake Grove, NY]

Dear future girlfriend,

I understand that despite my good looks, sense of humor, endless patience, decent cooking, good looks, and perfect memory and editing skills (see, sense of humor), you may at one time or another be upset at me. I accept this. I am a boy and as such am prone to be dumb on occasion. I mean, I won't have cheated on you or anything like that. But I may have forgotten your sister's birthday or that you hate Eddie Murphy movies, but I rented one anyway. Perhaps it was even more serious than that. I can assume that I didn't mean to hurt you, but alas, I did. In one of these more serious scenarios, I understand that it might cause you to reconsider our relationship. You may decide that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. Sometimes the easiest way is to pick a small fight. Sometimes the pressure builds up so much that a fight happens naturally. It might even start as you making a small jab or offhand remark. I understand this. It happens. Completely reasonable. But please, future girlfriend, for goodness sake, whatever you do, DONT START TO BREAK UP WITH ME ON THE FUCKING CELL PHONE AT BORDERS!!! IT'S EMBARRASSING. MAKES ME SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME, JUST FUCKING SAY SO. ARE YOU SAYING IF IT WASN'T CHRISTMAS, YOU'D JUST BREAK UP WITH ME? (and) I KNOW YOU'RE PARENTS THINK I'M A RETARD" RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE DVD SECTION WHO ARE LOOKING AT FRIEND'S DVD BOX SETS AND CHECKING OUT THE HOT GIRL THAT JUST WALKED IN.

I appologize for yelling. But, seriously, please don't do that. Wait until I get home or something. Oh, and I'm pretty sure you never even told me your sister's birthday. And you said that you loved Coming to America!

Warmest Regards,
Brian

PS. Don't do it while I'm on the bus either. That might even be worse. Or Best Buy. I like Best Buy and I don't want to have bad associations with it. Circuit City is ok. I always feel like I'm cheating on Best Buy with its less attractive friend.